Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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