you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
