i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
