Don't make out with my wife yet
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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