I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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