I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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