Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
