how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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