I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
