I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
