And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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