Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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