Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
