Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
