God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
