And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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