I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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