I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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