life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
