I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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