This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
