I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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