woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
