i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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