I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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