My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
