omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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