i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
