I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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