you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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