I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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