he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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