He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
