Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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