If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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