I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
