As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
