I smell stomach acid.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
