He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
