I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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