dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
