someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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