is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
