Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
