Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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