wakey wakey hands off snakey
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
