If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
