We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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