we have officially lost it.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
did i walk over a car last night?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
