I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
